The Intolerance of Tolerance...What?!!

Here’s the situation…

I attended a seminar on preventing bullying this morning presented by renowned author Michael Dorn.  He spoke of his personal trials in life and those intervening to enable him to become the man he is today.  After the presentation, he invited questions from the audience.  A man stood up and asked (paraphrase) “You speak of the ‘moral compass’ that allows people to intervene when observing someone being bullied.  I noticed there was no literature in the entry about ‘moral’ lifestyles, but only ‘immoral’ (gay) lifestyles.”  At this point all H broke loose.

Cat-calls were made to the gentleman from the audience and “boo’s” were heard in whispers.  The moderator quickly ended the forum.  I was unfortunately privy to overhearing the Director of a local youth-centered alliance group building relationships between the gay/straight community condemn the man for his opinion, calling him a “hater” in the house of God and questioning his faith.  This [Director] is a leader for gay/straight youth--the future leaders of our community.  I left the sanctuary of First Presbyterian Church feeling upset and shaking my head in disgust.

We teach our children tolerance and acceptance of others and to celebrate diversity.  We cite the Constitution when enacting our freedom of speech, but defame those people who use the same freedom expressing opinions contrasting our own.  If we truly want to end bullying, we must model appropriate behaviors that demonstrate appropriate conflict-resolution to our children.  I did not agree with the gentleman’s opinion, but it was his perspective and his RIGHT to openly express his concerns in this venue. 

I applaud this man’s courage to stand and address his concerns.  Actually, I might even agree with him a little.  Religious groups are often subject to abuse and bullying.  There SHOULD have been more literature applicable to this subject.  The audience’s response to his question only proved this point.

Unfortunately, many “tolerant” people are only so when convenient or amongst like-minded people.  The true definition of tolerance is a bit more difficult. 

“Those who know the least, know the loudest.”

Humility. It's OK to ask for help.

Today I am attending a presentation at the First Presbyterian Church in Evansville on "bullying."  I also developed a Facebook page to learn more from other on how to end bullying, or respond to my own children being bullied.  The same principle leading to the development of this blog, I know I DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING.  The one thing I am sure of, though, is I am willing to learn from others.

If you have any parenting tips, especially those dealing directly with how to EMPOWER CHILDREN TO MAKE POSITIVE CHOICES, please post to this blog.  I will continue to post what I've read, researched, experienced first-hand, and have heard from others, but your true perspective is paramount.  I ask my children to heed my advise because "I know better," but shouldn't we all if someone does (know better)?

Thanks!  Post and Forward, please.
David Bothast

Accentuate The Positive to Eliminate The Negative

It’s Friday!  I am sure everyone is excited for the weekend and sleeping in and relaxing.  I am most excited about finding out how my oldest son did on his spelling test today!  He painstakingly practices his words, both spelling and definition, and is very excited to post his score on the refrigerator.  As a family, we celebrate each child’s achievements and display all accomplishments for everyone to see.  Accentuate the positive.

This weekend, I challenge each parent to only acknowledge positive behaviors of children and not address negative behaviors (unless necessary).  I’ve tried this experiment many times before and found if I only acknowledge positive behaviors, I receive (mostly) positive behaviors.  This, of course, isn’t always the case, but having few positive outcomes is better than none.

If you are game and try it, please post on Monday morning to let everyone know how it worked out for you. 

Please share this challenge with your friends.

Have a great weekend!!

David Bothast, MPSA

The Dinner Table: The Heart of the Home

Each night, my family gathers around to eat dinner and discuss the day’s events.  This, unfortunately, is a tradition that is dying off in a society of 2 income households and irregular working hours.  Many new homes do not include “dining rooms” as a part of floor plans anymore.  Contractors and parents, alike, should realize the importance of the added 400-1000 square feet, as this area is the “heart of the home.”

The tradition goes as follows:  1.  Children often help with preparing dinner, as appropriate.  2.  We do not start eating until EVERYONE is seated.  3.  We go around the table and identify (2) unique things we were grateful for that day.  4.  We don’t leave the table until everyone is finished eating.  5.  We talk openly about anything (without food in our mouths), but don’t interrupt.

Our family tradition is not involved, but it is respected and appreciated.  We get a lot of information from our kids about potential school issues, things they are interested in, and ideas to strengthen our family.  We also reflect on our blessings of the day.  The children really appreciate the routine, as evidenced by their doing the same when at a friends home or reminding us of the procedure when we might be temporarily distracted. 

During this time, we communicate with our children.  Not only do we talk about their day, but we (as adults) discuss ours, identify problems and even argue our position on certain topics.  We also establish standards for eating practices and manners.  It is important children to observe appropriate communication techniques (even debating/arguing) and the dinner table is the perfect place for this practice.

Do you have an established tradition in your home you would like to share? 

Second Place is NOT First Loser

Today was the 100th Day Celebration at my oldest son's elementary school.  He worked very hard in making an over-sized medallion of 100 coins with his initial in the center.  He used a cardboard cake bottom and Elmer's glue to construct this artifact reminiscent of Public Enemy's Flava Flav's 1980's clock necklace.

Unfortunately, he did not realize the cold climate would make the coins fall off his assignment (read tomorrow morning's post) and the end result did not turn out as planned.  He was still very proud of his work and we as a family celebrated its "coolness." 

I was very excited to find out what, if anything, the teacher and other students said about his piece when I picked him up from school.  Surprisingly, he was less interested about his piece and went on and on about the elaborate submissions of other students.  "One had 100 army men glued to a big piece of cardboard and, and, and...."  Finally, after going through each and every other "cool" piece made by other students, he finally said his was awarded second place.

Secretly, I was a bit disappointed, but didnt let it show.  We sang and danced and celebrated his victory and honored his investment of time and creativity.  I was humbled to realize my son didnt care about placing first (or second), but more about the quality of the pieces and was okay with celebrating others successes. 

Recognition and awards do not matter. A seven year old boy reminded me if you are proud of your work, it doesnt matter what others think.  "You dont need to blow out someone else's candle, to have yours shine brighter." 

What a smart kid.  What a great decision.

The importance of being CONSISTENT

This morning, I realized the importance of having a disciplined, consistent schedule AND the equal importance of COFFEE.

My partner is away attending a conference and I was left to run the household and (3) easily distracted children.  Not to mention, I needed to get to work on time myself.  Having the additional help in the morning makes a great difference, but (unfortunately) I made a conscious choice to alter the routine to make my life “easier” and suffered. 

I woke up late, had to get my daughter in the shower, infant son changed and fed, and fix my oldest son’s 100^th Day of School project—all before 7:30am.  When routines are broken, the fall-out is often frustration and acting out.  I was rushed and my frustration changed the atmosphere of the house.  The kids seemed to move at a slower pace than normal and were argumentative.  They seemed to need more of my time by asking far-out questions, even though I was in an obvious hurry.  This seems to be the rule:  When you are in a rush to do ANYTHING, your children will work very hard to become obstacles and fight for your attention. 

The last statement is completely subjective, because it is probably true they weren’t acting any differently than normal, but my “norm” changed.  Therefore, I responded to the status quo completely different.  At least I understood the rush and frustration was completely self-inflicted and didn’t lash out at the kids as a result. 

My masochistic morning allowed me to learn a very valuable lesson: 

Maintain consistency and routine at all costs.  Otherwise, accept blame and suffer the consequences. Murphy’s Law is completely avoidable. 

Do you have a personal anecdote of a time when your morning routine was altered and your house of cards crumbled?  Please share. 

Mo' Money...No Problems!

Money moves people. 

My 7 year old son is currently learning about money and currency in his 1^st grade math class.  He quickly grasped the concepts of denominations and coins and related values.  Even though we don’t have a set “allowance” program in our home, I developed a behavior modification system that proved very effective:  Bank of Trust.

The Bank of Trust is a check-register with deposits and penalties columns.  Each evening, as we gather around the refrigerator to “celebrate” the choices of the day, we use this tool to help him identify the true “cost” associated with making choices.  When he makes a good choice (a series of desired outcomes established by us, the parents), he receives a deposit into his account—dated and noted on the ledger.  When he makes a choice rendering a negative consequence, he receives a penalty deduction.  The reverse of the ledger is an outline of all deposit credit actions and penalty withdraw fees.  We only address those listed, but took great time and consideration to develop desired outcomes.

Also featured on the reverse is a CATALOG, listing items for sale.  For instance, if he saves $20 he can go to the movies.  If he saves $3, he can get donuts on Sunday morning from the bakery.  He can choose to save or spend his earnings, another very important lesson—patience.  Items are priced well-above market value and are made available on Saturday of each week.  (Some are very basic, like being able to watch TV for an extra 10 minutes each evening.)

We introduced a concept it took me until I was 25 to fully understand and appreciate:  over-draft charges.  When his penalties exceed his deposits, he is in OVERDRAFT and the “Bank” seizes his assets.  Until he is able to earn the minimum balance back into his account ($5), his assets (toys) are frozen.  This has happened and, believe it or not, he took having his toys taken away quite well.  He worked very hard to earn them back and did so within (3) days. 

We post the General Ledger on the refrigerator for all to see and to remind him of the value of his choices.  During the evening transactions, we use fake money (thank you, Dollar Tree!) as tangible tools so they can physically see and touch what they’ve earned.  One parent plays the “teller” and distributes cash (making change or combining coins into currency) and then collects the cash in a checking deposit transaction (a Zip-Loc bag).  Again, the Zip-Loc is displayed on the refrigerator as a reminder.

This tool has worked well with getting chores done and modifying behaviors.  A simple reminder to “check your account to see if you can afford this choice” is a great way to change a behavior.  It also teaches mathematics and currency.  Even our 5 year old daughter has caught on by watching her brother earn money and now understands the concept of cash and is eager to open her checking account.

Beware of the "Time Out" Chair

BE-WARE THE CHAIR!!!
The "time out" chair is a very popular tool to modify behavior.  Many people say to use the age of the child to determine the amount of time spent in isolation.  Isolation.  Really?  What does isolation do to modify behavior?  Yes, some believe in "talking to your child" about their behavior AFTER their sentence, but (by this time) the child is willing to feign attention to just about anything to get out of this dreaded chair.

It is my belief that this tool for modification is useless and imposes fear, but not the issue at hand.  Sometimes children even begin to enjoy the chair/corner and provoke a response leading to their solitary confinement--especially if only for a few minutes.  They understand (through conditioning) that this brief PUNISHMENT often leads to a lengthy "Danny Tanner" moment when Mom and/or Dad is focused exclusively on them--getting the attention they desired initially.

Instead of using the chair, implement a structured system early on and adhere to it--not matter how inconvenient.  Allow the child to determine if the action is worth the consequence, whatever it may be.  BUT, make your consequences RELEVANT and concrete.  Be consistent so the child knows what to expect and can negotitate in his or head to determine worth.

Before you develop such a system, ensure you are celebrating desired behaviors!  Internally, children are negotiating outcomes (Positive & Negative).  If only negative behaviors are identified and addressed, you will only receive negative behaviors.  Celebrate the positive and you will receive positive, I promise.

INTRODUCTION

As a child, I remember the FEAR of getting into trouble.  The fear I remember was less about DISAPPOINTMENT, and more from the sting of the chosen tool of PUNISHMENT—paddles, fly swatters, belts, etc.  When my parents finally caught me, I focused solely on the physical RESULT and not the ACT leading to it.  I did not reflect to realize that stealing the candy bar from the local grocer might have caused someone to lose a portion of his or her wages for the day.  I only understood that being “whipped” hurts.  The CONSEQUENCE did not fit the CHOICE, so I didn’t learn much and continued to act on impulse without regard to RELATIVE consequences.  No, I never again stole a candy bar, but I also never RATIONALIZED choices—until later in life when it was almost too late.

Why are certain words HIGHLIGHTED in the opening paragraph?  These are vocabulary words needing definition.  For years, parents misused these words when attempting to MODIFY their children’s behavior(s).  This is why some adults remember being “whipped” or “spanked” as a child, but rarely the act causing the consequence.  This is (also) why some adults remember getting “paddled” a LOT as a child—individual acts were addressed and children weren’t allowed to develop COGNITION, so individual acts were punished daily.

As a former elementary school teacher and a current foster parent, I have developed several proven strategies that EMPOWER children in making rational choices.  Notice I have not used the terms “good choices” and “bad choices,” as I do not believe I can dictate which [choices] are either.  Children should be given the opportunity to experience relative consequences for behaviors to determine if the OBJECTIVES were worth the OUTCOMES.  Children will begin to understand which behaviors are “good” and “bad,” mostly from a few cases of trial-and-error.  After this fundamental understanding is in place, they will develop a rational process of consideration before acting on impulses. 

Please feel free to try out any posted alternatives and post any concerns of suggestions on this BLOG site.  Together we can build a future of contemplative adolescents & adults instead of confused and abused victims only moved by physical stimuli.