A Child's Reaction...

Tonight I took my daughter to mass for the first time.  She had been to other [Protestant] church services before and expressed an interest in joining me.  When I introduced her to the Stations of the Cross, her eyes got as big as silver dollars.  She never before understood the true meaning of the Cross and that Jesus was actually nailed to it.  Her reaction to Passion and to the Corpus was of sadness, but tears turned to joy as we reached the last Station and spoke of His resurrection and ascension to Heaven. 

We also received a "rice bowl" to help the Catholic Relief Services distribute food and necessities to those in need.  All though it took a moment to convince my little girl that we are not to put rice into the box (because rice IS a food), I was inspired by HER idea to contribute to the mission.  She stated "I can help poor people like you do, right?"  Yes, little one.  You can change the world.  You have already changed mine.

Experiencing a 5 year old's epiphany and humility tonight changed my life.  I can only pray to have the same feelings of awe, sadness and joy surrounding the Passion and in every miracle of every day. 

Changing Outcomes.

BECOME A CARDS2ART AFFILIATE!

Become a

Cards2Art Affiliate!

Great for Scouts, Churches, Classroom Projects, Families, Greek Life, Groups, and anyone interested in giving back and growing from the experience!

Due to an overwhelming response to our Cards2Art Project benefiting child-advocacy and family-strengthening charities, we are asking YOUR FAMILY OR GROUP to join the initiative!

By making a minimal investment of time and dollars (depnding on the amount of products you wish to produce), you can introduce community-responsibility to your circle of family, friends, associates and/or colleagues while changing outcomes of children and families.  Purchase items at local retailers (outlined below) and make big changes in the lives of disadvantaged children facing adversity similar to our own [foster] children’s story.

HOW YOU CAN HELP

1. RECRUIT.  Invite others to join the cause or assist in your project.  Share the story of the Cards2Art Project to inspire others to become agents of change.

2.    GATHER SUPPLIES.  Purchase supplies to begin your project.  You may consider using

the following retailers:

                  5x7 FRAMES:  $1.00 each (Click here)

                              (case of 24 frames available online for store pick-up)

                  POSTAGE:  $14.95 (Click here)

                              (Large FLAT RATE box from USPS)

                  CHRISTMAS CARDS:  Donations from supporters $0.00

                  CRAFT SUPPLIES (glue, scissors):  $0.25 each

     

2. ENGAGE.  Get together with your family and other participants to work on collages.  Cut out various images from cards, including the personal inside message.  (Please do not use licensed images, like Disney or Pixar.)  Paste collage pieces on a 5x7 background and frame.  Use this time to talk about the missions of the receiving agencies and reflect on your own personal blessings.  Websites for the (5) agencies are:

AIDS Resource Group, Inc.

The Villages

Habitat for Humanity

CASA

Goodwill Family Center

3. SEND.  Use the Large Flat Rate Box (or other, if cheaper) to send the completed collages.  Address will be provided when confirmed as a registered Affiliate.

For your participation as an affiliate, your family/organization will be featured in an insert with each product you produce (optional).  You may produce one piece, 24 (as outlined above) or 1,000.  The amount of investment is completely up to you.

Thank you for helping us with this endeavor!  We can make BIG changes in lives of our children, even from the dining room table.  All children are OUR children, as they hold the keys to OUR future.

David M. Bothast

davidbothast@gmail.com

Email me to become a registered affiliate or request more information.  Affiliates receive press release documents, promotional materials, and strategies to recruit volunteers.  You will also receive information to learn more about each receiving charitable agency and their respective missions.

Give Thanks Each Day.

Giving Thanks Each Day

Now that the weather is changing and spring is on the horizon, we give thanks for the transitioning of the seasons.  The cold winter chills remain in recent memory (monthly energy bills provide a tangible reminder), making our appreciation for the warmer season increase.  Every day is filled with blessings for which we should be grateful, but do we take the time to reflect and give proper attention and thanksgiving?

Each night at dinner, we gather around and recount our experiences of the day.  Both children and parents are expected to cite (2) examples of things occurring this day for which we are grateful.  Generic responses like “It was a beautiful day” or “I really like this meal” are not acceptable.  Everyone must identify a unique thing they did, experience or observe and give thanks.

This is a great tool to open dialogue and conversation with your children about their day.  So many times issues have come up that otherwise may have been overlooked. We, as parents, also get a greater understanding of the things our children find interesting and use these tools to enrich their lives with meaningful and relative experiences.  This also helps with our children’s (reading) comprehension.  They know they will be asked for examples each night and, therefore, pay more attention during their day.

Try it out.  It’s not a difficult task.  Be an active member of the communication, just not a facilitator. Your children, believe it or not, are just as interested in your day as you are theirs. 

Change Outcomes.

Cards2Art: Charity Begins At Home

Cards2Art Recycling Project

Christmas is a special holiday for families throughout the world.  As Christians, we celebrate the birth of our Messiah and reflect on the story of the Immaculate Conception.  God entrusted Mary & Joseph with His human form, Jesus Christ.  Through faith, the family accepted their gift and raised a loving and compassionate child who grew as a man destined to take away the sins of the world.  If Mary & Joseph were not ready, or willing to accept this gift, the fate of mankind would be very different today.

Today, parents may not receive a message from an angel or gifts from Magi, but our children (however we receive them) ARE gifts from God.  Just as God chose Mary & Joseph, He offers us an opportunity change the fate of the world through our children.  We accepted the responsibility, but do we accept accountability? 

Our children were sent to us by God through foster placement.  These (3) beautiful souls needed a loving family to nurture them and guide them in life.  Through active parenting and faith (not only in the power of God, but in the ourselves though Him), we are making the most of our gifts and taking ownership of the future of our community by forging future advocates and agents of change in our young children.

In preparation for the 2011 Christmas season, our family has created a project allowing us to spend time together identifying needs of our community and contemporaries, while reflecting on our personal blessings by giving back and “paying (blessings) forward.”  The Cards2Art Project was created to demonstrate how easy it is to make a big impact in lives of others and inspire our children to create change in the world.

RESERVE YOUR CARDS2ART PIECE TODAY and support (5) charitable agencies specializing in foster care, adoption, HIV/AIDS, homelessness, and permanent housing for disadvantaged families with children.  For only $5 (+S&H), you will receive a framed 5x7”custom-crafted Christmas collage made from the over 3,000 donated cards received from all over the world.  By supporting this venture, you are showing your commitment to change and making the most of God’s gifts.

RESERVE YOUR PIECE(S) BEFORE SEPTEMBER 2011.  Billing invoices for payment will be sent out in October for a November delivery.  Christmas is only 312 days away—so act NOW!  Each piece is unique and divided into two categories:  Religious or Secular. 

For more information, please email us directly at:  davidbothast@gmail.com.

To help advance this project, please repost.  We celebrate Christmas every time we look into our children’s eyes.  They are gifts from God, sent to us to change the world.  Thanks for your support!

Change Outcomes.

My 3C Theory: Take It or Leave It

COOPERATION, COMPROMISE & COHABITATION

We teach our children many lessons, but (3) lifelong lessons we inadvertently teach are: 

• How to effectively compromise in a relationship
• How to cooperate with your partner/spouse/roommate, and
• How to tolerate & accept those living with you. 

The outcomes of each subject are contingent on the modeling taking place. 

It’s hard to sometimes let go of our convictions to make peace, but it’s often necessary.  As adults we are instructed to “pick your battles carefully” or “choose only battles you can win.”  We are often told that we should not argue in front of children.  I strongly disagree with the last two misconceptions of effective parenting.

Argue in FRONT of your children.  Argue responsibly.  Argue effectively.  Argue to resolve an issue, not to prove a point or position of power.  Don’t equate “yelling” with “arguing” because the former is unproductive and childish—only demonstrating YOUR loss of control.  Show your children HOW to argue and even how to concede.  These are important skills they will use for a lifetime. 

Demonstrate cooperation in your home.  While one parent washes the dishes, the other is cleaning off the table.  While one is assisting the completion of homework, the other is preparing lunches for the following day.  Talk out your cooperation so your children will identify the collaboration.  “While you XXX, I will XX, so we can XXX together.”  Acknowledge the assistance of your spouse/partner in front of the children and praise them for their help. 

Exposure to these life skills at a young age is very important if you expect your children to master them in adolescence or adulthood.  Remember the first time you ever had a roommate or had to live in communal settings with people very different from you?  How did you deal with the stress?  At work…how do you deal with people much different than yourself? 

What do you think?

Change Outcomes.

The Conviction of Conviction

The Conviction of Conviction

When our children make choices resulting in negative consequences, we institute a relative consequence.  Depending on the severity of the choice, the consequence may extend past a one-day sentence.  Consequences lasting more than one day are very difficult for the parent(s) to maintain and (inevitably) the child will make you question your decision through positive choice making.

DON’T BACK DOWN!  We implement consequences to condition behaviors so our children will learn and grow to independently make good choices.  If we assign a consequence for an action, STICK TO IT.  Children are very MANIPULATIVE and learn very early on how to push buttons to get what they want.  Be careful when assigning prolonged consequences because, if you don’t have the time to manage it, you will lose the impact you are trying to make and the only lesson learned is:  “Mom/Dad is easily manipulated.”  Also, don’t fall into the trap when your child begins to make outrageously GOOD choices immediately following a consequence.  This is NOT because they learned a lesson, but because they are testing your conviction.  Acknowledge the good choice and celebrate it, but they MUST pay RESTITUTION for their prior offenses.

My advice, if you choose to accept it, is to scale consequences to the offense, but don’t make them difficult to manage.  Swift and relative responses are imperative.  If you DO decide to extend a consequence (i.e., grounding), continue this regardless of the other choices being made.  Always remind the children how proud you are of their completing their consequence and for the good choices made, but remain steadfast.

This is very difficult because parents don’t LIKE to give consequences.  I find it terribly hard because I enjoy spending family time with my children doing fun activities.  BUT, the same lifelong, developmental lessons I am teaching while having fun as a family, I am teaching when rendering consequences for actions.  At this critical time of development, I am their parent--not their friend.

Suggestions?  Examples?

Please feel free to share with others you feel may be able to either provide some insight OR benefit from this blog.  Thanks! --David

When Your Children Coups

TITLE UNCERTAIN: 

"House of Cards" OR "ThunderDome"

Chaos in the home may result from a hostile and tense atmosphere.  When you had a bad day at work, your tension can be felt by those around you.  Children are the most empathic and act out as a result.  In households with multiple children, reactions are exponential and magnified.  Children feed off another and compete for attention, even subconsciously.  Your domesticated, four-legged friends (especially dogs) also react to behaviors of their human companions.

Unfortunately, when a child has an “off” day, the whole house suffers.  They have not mastered the craft of concealing their emotions and wear their heart on their sleeves.  They know they don’t feel great, but cannot connect to a specific catalyst, so their behaviors continue to escalate with each compounding consequence.  Siblings react to the actions of their contemporaries and relative attention received by parents.  Before you know it, your once peaceful home becomes THE THUNDERDOME.

We’ve found, the hard way, that our oldest son thrives on the attention received during consequences.  The only real solution we’ve found is to have a very explicit, autocratic standard of behaviors and even more explicit and concrete consequences.  We give him an opportunity to redirect himself, but if he is unable, we implement said consequence and send him off to his room to begin his penance.  After a while, we check in on him and remind him what led him to his current situation and give him the opportunity to reflect and identify alternative choices for future responses to stimuli.  This follow-up period DOES NOT last more than 5 minutes or else we risk feeding into his need for attention.  When our five year old daughter reacts to big brother’s bad day, she (too) is provided the same series of interventions.  The house eventually becomes a peaceful one again, but only after everyone is counseled and usually put to bed earlier than normal. 

The key to effective response when kids start feeding off each other:  Removal.  Take them from the shared milieu to a private area as soon as possible.  Otherwise, you'll be cleaning your fan with a damp sponge very soon.

What do YOU do when things get crazy?  How about if yours is a single-parent home?  How does one parent respond to child coups? 

Please post your suggestions and personal experiences.

David

The Village Concept: Not just a cliche.

As a new parent, I have accepted the reality that my child spends more time with his teacher and classmates than his own family.  The same goes for adults.  We spend more awake-hours with our “work family” than our own.  This is why it is necessary to forge a relationship and open communication with your child’s teacher early on and encourage/solicit feedback and advice from those who see a very different child dynamic than you do at home. 

From Monday-Friday (barring snow days or holidays), my child comes home with an agenda book outlining his behaviors for the day.  He is blessed with a teacher who communicates frequently and knows his story.  She lets me know what kind of day he had, where he is socially & academically, and identifies any potential obstacles he may face and provides potential solutions to said problems.  She is truly an asset to parenting and a part of our family.

As a former school teacher myself, I always appreciated parents taking the time to give me some guidance (or a “heads-up”) about any behaviors their child was exhibiting.  If they made good choices or bad or had a death in the family or a fight with a sibling, I knew about it.  This helped me identify behaviors and link them to the catalyst.  Not knowing why a child acts a certain way can be frustrating and lead to ineffective instruction/modification techniques. 

Good teachers spend a portion of the day reflecting on each child’s behaviors and progress.  They communicate these to parents to address at home.  I think it would be a great idea to provide the same feedback to the teachers charged with caring for our children 8+ hours a day so they are fully-equipped to change lives. 

When your child makes a positive decision, we should document it, acknowledge it and communicate it with the teacher to reinforce the positive behavior—outside the home.  Same goes for negative choices.  If a child realizes they are accountable to not only you, as parents, but to their teacher, they will be more conscious of the decisions they make on a daily basis.  This is especially true during weekends or extended periods away from the school house.

Communication is key to changing outcomes.  As cliché as it may sound, it really does take a village to raise a child.  Hopefully, you are lucky (like us) to have a teacher accepting of feedback.  This relationship with strengthen your family and increase your child’s understanding of choices v. consequences—especially since he/she is held accountable for his/her actions at both sites.

Just a thought…any suggestions or comments? 

The Intolerance of Tolerance...What?!!

Here’s the situation…

I attended a seminar on preventing bullying this morning presented by renowned author Michael Dorn.  He spoke of his personal trials in life and those intervening to enable him to become the man he is today.  After the presentation, he invited questions from the audience.  A man stood up and asked (paraphrase) “You speak of the ‘moral compass’ that allows people to intervene when observing someone being bullied.  I noticed there was no literature in the entry about ‘moral’ lifestyles, but only ‘immoral’ (gay) lifestyles.”  At this point all H broke loose.

Cat-calls were made to the gentleman from the audience and “boo’s” were heard in whispers.  The moderator quickly ended the forum.  I was unfortunately privy to overhearing the Director of a local youth-centered alliance group building relationships between the gay/straight community condemn the man for his opinion, calling him a “hater” in the house of God and questioning his faith.  This [Director] is a leader for gay/straight youth--the future leaders of our community.  I left the sanctuary of First Presbyterian Church feeling upset and shaking my head in disgust.

We teach our children tolerance and acceptance of others and to celebrate diversity.  We cite the Constitution when enacting our freedom of speech, but defame those people who use the same freedom expressing opinions contrasting our own.  If we truly want to end bullying, we must model appropriate behaviors that demonstrate appropriate conflict-resolution to our children.  I did not agree with the gentleman’s opinion, but it was his perspective and his RIGHT to openly express his concerns in this venue. 

I applaud this man’s courage to stand and address his concerns.  Actually, I might even agree with him a little.  Religious groups are often subject to abuse and bullying.  There SHOULD have been more literature applicable to this subject.  The audience’s response to his question only proved this point.

Unfortunately, many “tolerant” people are only so when convenient or amongst like-minded people.  The true definition of tolerance is a bit more difficult. 

“Those who know the least, know the loudest.”

Humility. It's OK to ask for help.

Today I am attending a presentation at the First Presbyterian Church in Evansville on "bullying."  I also developed a Facebook page to learn more from other on how to end bullying, or respond to my own children being bullied.  The same principle leading to the development of this blog, I know I DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING.  The one thing I am sure of, though, is I am willing to learn from others.

If you have any parenting tips, especially those dealing directly with how to EMPOWER CHILDREN TO MAKE POSITIVE CHOICES, please post to this blog.  I will continue to post what I've read, researched, experienced first-hand, and have heard from others, but your true perspective is paramount.  I ask my children to heed my advise because "I know better," but shouldn't we all if someone does (know better)?

Thanks!  Post and Forward, please.
David Bothast

Accentuate The Positive to Eliminate The Negative

It’s Friday!  I am sure everyone is excited for the weekend and sleeping in and relaxing.  I am most excited about finding out how my oldest son did on his spelling test today!  He painstakingly practices his words, both spelling and definition, and is very excited to post his score on the refrigerator.  As a family, we celebrate each child’s achievements and display all accomplishments for everyone to see.  Accentuate the positive.

This weekend, I challenge each parent to only acknowledge positive behaviors of children and not address negative behaviors (unless necessary).  I’ve tried this experiment many times before and found if I only acknowledge positive behaviors, I receive (mostly) positive behaviors.  This, of course, isn’t always the case, but having few positive outcomes is better than none.

If you are game and try it, please post on Monday morning to let everyone know how it worked out for you. 

Please share this challenge with your friends.

Have a great weekend!!

David Bothast, MPSA

The Dinner Table: The Heart of the Home

Each night, my family gathers around to eat dinner and discuss the day’s events.  This, unfortunately, is a tradition that is dying off in a society of 2 income households and irregular working hours.  Many new homes do not include “dining rooms” as a part of floor plans anymore.  Contractors and parents, alike, should realize the importance of the added 400-1000 square feet, as this area is the “heart of the home.”

The tradition goes as follows:  1.  Children often help with preparing dinner, as appropriate.  2.  We do not start eating until EVERYONE is seated.  3.  We go around the table and identify (2) unique things we were grateful for that day.  4.  We don’t leave the table until everyone is finished eating.  5.  We talk openly about anything (without food in our mouths), but don’t interrupt.

Our family tradition is not involved, but it is respected and appreciated.  We get a lot of information from our kids about potential school issues, things they are interested in, and ideas to strengthen our family.  We also reflect on our blessings of the day.  The children really appreciate the routine, as evidenced by their doing the same when at a friends home or reminding us of the procedure when we might be temporarily distracted. 

During this time, we communicate with our children.  Not only do we talk about their day, but we (as adults) discuss ours, identify problems and even argue our position on certain topics.  We also establish standards for eating practices and manners.  It is important children to observe appropriate communication techniques (even debating/arguing) and the dinner table is the perfect place for this practice.

Do you have an established tradition in your home you would like to share? 

Second Place is NOT First Loser

Today was the 100th Day Celebration at my oldest son's elementary school.  He worked very hard in making an over-sized medallion of 100 coins with his initial in the center.  He used a cardboard cake bottom and Elmer's glue to construct this artifact reminiscent of Public Enemy's Flava Flav's 1980's clock necklace.

Unfortunately, he did not realize the cold climate would make the coins fall off his assignment (read tomorrow morning's post) and the end result did not turn out as planned.  He was still very proud of his work and we as a family celebrated its "coolness." 

I was very excited to find out what, if anything, the teacher and other students said about his piece when I picked him up from school.  Surprisingly, he was less interested about his piece and went on and on about the elaborate submissions of other students.  "One had 100 army men glued to a big piece of cardboard and, and, and...."  Finally, after going through each and every other "cool" piece made by other students, he finally said his was awarded second place.

Secretly, I was a bit disappointed, but didnt let it show.  We sang and danced and celebrated his victory and honored his investment of time and creativity.  I was humbled to realize my son didnt care about placing first (or second), but more about the quality of the pieces and was okay with celebrating others successes. 

Recognition and awards do not matter. A seven year old boy reminded me if you are proud of your work, it doesnt matter what others think.  "You dont need to blow out someone else's candle, to have yours shine brighter." 

What a smart kid.  What a great decision.

The importance of being CONSISTENT

This morning, I realized the importance of having a disciplined, consistent schedule AND the equal importance of COFFEE.

My partner is away attending a conference and I was left to run the household and (3) easily distracted children.  Not to mention, I needed to get to work on time myself.  Having the additional help in the morning makes a great difference, but (unfortunately) I made a conscious choice to alter the routine to make my life “easier” and suffered. 

I woke up late, had to get my daughter in the shower, infant son changed and fed, and fix my oldest son’s 100^th Day of School project—all before 7:30am.  When routines are broken, the fall-out is often frustration and acting out.  I was rushed and my frustration changed the atmosphere of the house.  The kids seemed to move at a slower pace than normal and were argumentative.  They seemed to need more of my time by asking far-out questions, even though I was in an obvious hurry.  This seems to be the rule:  When you are in a rush to do ANYTHING, your children will work very hard to become obstacles and fight for your attention. 

The last statement is completely subjective, because it is probably true they weren’t acting any differently than normal, but my “norm” changed.  Therefore, I responded to the status quo completely different.  At least I understood the rush and frustration was completely self-inflicted and didn’t lash out at the kids as a result. 

My masochistic morning allowed me to learn a very valuable lesson: 

Maintain consistency and routine at all costs.  Otherwise, accept blame and suffer the consequences. Murphy’s Law is completely avoidable. 

Do you have a personal anecdote of a time when your morning routine was altered and your house of cards crumbled?  Please share. 

Mo' Money...No Problems!

Money moves people. 

My 7 year old son is currently learning about money and currency in his 1^st grade math class.  He quickly grasped the concepts of denominations and coins and related values.  Even though we don’t have a set “allowance” program in our home, I developed a behavior modification system that proved very effective:  Bank of Trust.

The Bank of Trust is a check-register with deposits and penalties columns.  Each evening, as we gather around the refrigerator to “celebrate” the choices of the day, we use this tool to help him identify the true “cost” associated with making choices.  When he makes a good choice (a series of desired outcomes established by us, the parents), he receives a deposit into his account—dated and noted on the ledger.  When he makes a choice rendering a negative consequence, he receives a penalty deduction.  The reverse of the ledger is an outline of all deposit credit actions and penalty withdraw fees.  We only address those listed, but took great time and consideration to develop desired outcomes.

Also featured on the reverse is a CATALOG, listing items for sale.  For instance, if he saves $20 he can go to the movies.  If he saves $3, he can get donuts on Sunday morning from the bakery.  He can choose to save or spend his earnings, another very important lesson—patience.  Items are priced well-above market value and are made available on Saturday of each week.  (Some are very basic, like being able to watch TV for an extra 10 minutes each evening.)

We introduced a concept it took me until I was 25 to fully understand and appreciate:  over-draft charges.  When his penalties exceed his deposits, he is in OVERDRAFT and the “Bank” seizes his assets.  Until he is able to earn the minimum balance back into his account ($5), his assets (toys) are frozen.  This has happened and, believe it or not, he took having his toys taken away quite well.  He worked very hard to earn them back and did so within (3) days. 

We post the General Ledger on the refrigerator for all to see and to remind him of the value of his choices.  During the evening transactions, we use fake money (thank you, Dollar Tree!) as tangible tools so they can physically see and touch what they’ve earned.  One parent plays the “teller” and distributes cash (making change or combining coins into currency) and then collects the cash in a checking deposit transaction (a Zip-Loc bag).  Again, the Zip-Loc is displayed on the refrigerator as a reminder.

This tool has worked well with getting chores done and modifying behaviors.  A simple reminder to “check your account to see if you can afford this choice” is a great way to change a behavior.  It also teaches mathematics and currency.  Even our 5 year old daughter has caught on by watching her brother earn money and now understands the concept of cash and is eager to open her checking account.

Beware of the "Time Out" Chair

BE-WARE THE CHAIR!!!
The "time out" chair is a very popular tool to modify behavior.  Many people say to use the age of the child to determine the amount of time spent in isolation.  Isolation.  Really?  What does isolation do to modify behavior?  Yes, some believe in "talking to your child" about their behavior AFTER their sentence, but (by this time) the child is willing to feign attention to just about anything to get out of this dreaded chair.

It is my belief that this tool for modification is useless and imposes fear, but not the issue at hand.  Sometimes children even begin to enjoy the chair/corner and provoke a response leading to their solitary confinement--especially if only for a few minutes.  They understand (through conditioning) that this brief PUNISHMENT often leads to a lengthy "Danny Tanner" moment when Mom and/or Dad is focused exclusively on them--getting the attention they desired initially.

Instead of using the chair, implement a structured system early on and adhere to it--not matter how inconvenient.  Allow the child to determine if the action is worth the consequence, whatever it may be.  BUT, make your consequences RELEVANT and concrete.  Be consistent so the child knows what to expect and can negotitate in his or head to determine worth.

Before you develop such a system, ensure you are celebrating desired behaviors!  Internally, children are negotiating outcomes (Positive & Negative).  If only negative behaviors are identified and addressed, you will only receive negative behaviors.  Celebrate the positive and you will receive positive, I promise.

INTRODUCTION

As a child, I remember the FEAR of getting into trouble.  The fear I remember was less about DISAPPOINTMENT, and more from the sting of the chosen tool of PUNISHMENT—paddles, fly swatters, belts, etc.  When my parents finally caught me, I focused solely on the physical RESULT and not the ACT leading to it.  I did not reflect to realize that stealing the candy bar from the local grocer might have caused someone to lose a portion of his or her wages for the day.  I only understood that being “whipped” hurts.  The CONSEQUENCE did not fit the CHOICE, so I didn’t learn much and continued to act on impulse without regard to RELATIVE consequences.  No, I never again stole a candy bar, but I also never RATIONALIZED choices—until later in life when it was almost too late.

Why are certain words HIGHLIGHTED in the opening paragraph?  These are vocabulary words needing definition.  For years, parents misused these words when attempting to MODIFY their children’s behavior(s).  This is why some adults remember being “whipped” or “spanked” as a child, but rarely the act causing the consequence.  This is (also) why some adults remember getting “paddled” a LOT as a child—individual acts were addressed and children weren’t allowed to develop COGNITION, so individual acts were punished daily.

As a former elementary school teacher and a current foster parent, I have developed several proven strategies that EMPOWER children in making rational choices.  Notice I have not used the terms “good choices” and “bad choices,” as I do not believe I can dictate which [choices] are either.  Children should be given the opportunity to experience relative consequences for behaviors to determine if the OBJECTIVES were worth the OUTCOMES.  Children will begin to understand which behaviors are “good” and “bad,” mostly from a few cases of trial-and-error.  After this fundamental understanding is in place, they will develop a rational process of consideration before acting on impulses. 

Please feel free to try out any posted alternatives and post any concerns of suggestions on this BLOG site.  Together we can build a future of contemplative adolescents & adults instead of confused and abused victims only moved by physical stimuli.